🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.