Nighttime Hosts Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Immigration Plan

TV's top entertainers spent the broadcast criticizing ex-President Donald Trump's recently unveiled immigration initiative, dubbed the "Trump card," characterizing it as a clear cash-for-residency arrangement for the affluent.

The Late Show's Witty Take

Kicking off his show, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic holiday song directed at the commander-in-chief. "He's compiling a list, reviewing it twice, then handing that list to the officials at ICE," he crooned. "The President ... destroys everything he comes into contact with."

The focus was the controversial plan which enables overseas individuals to acquire U.S. residence for an investment of $1 million dollars, or "top-tier" tier for five million. The program's website guarantees processing "faster than ever."

"One message for you to rich applicants: prior to you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He explained that the card is also intended to "extract cash" from companies looking to hire foreign workers, involving hefty costs. "That is a lot of fees, but if you register, you additionally get two free nights at a property of your choosing – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he continued.

"The best screening the U.S. government has ever done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to make sure these applicants absolutely qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Roast

On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"Here's a card that will let affluent international individuals to live here," he stated. "For a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your selection."

"Maybe it's time to change that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel teased the simplicity of the form, noting it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Exactly, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "That's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Grocery Struggles

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's plunging approval ratings during financial anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a another term because they were upset about the economy," he said.

Recently, in a bid to discuss cost of living, Trump held a briefing in front of a array of food items, and behaved strangely to some cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."

"He's so incredibly weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting right-leaning media defenses of Trump's financial performance. "Maybe instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to what FIFA did," he laughed.